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Date: 15 Oct 2005
Time: 15:08:52
Remote Name: 220.184.141.17
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Category: Other
Date: 16 Feb 2003
Time: 09:46:48
Remote Name: 65.102.39.147
Remote User:
Hello! I'm hoping someone out there might be able to advise me. Please bear with my long rant-of-a-"comment": When my baby was born he had some complications which resulted in the nurses introducing him to the pacifier, without my knowledge/permission. By the time I was aware of this, I didn't want to take it away from him since he already was having a pretty tough time; I thought I'd be "mean" later - when he was stronger (he had meconium aspiration syndrome, and got out of the hospital nine days later). When he was about 3 months old he seemed to be losing his sucking reflexes, so my husband and I decided we'd use the window of opportunity to take away the binky. The baby had a tough time with that for only one day/night, then was much better after a day or two. I made the mistake of telling a friend of mine about this (who was an early childhood educator for many years) and she lit into me, telling me it was wrong, and "how would you like it if someone took away such a source of comfort and you weren't able to talk to express yourself," etc. I felt terrible, gave it back to him the very next day, and - well - he's a real binky junky now! He's now 8 1/2 months old and even in the last 3 or 4 days he seems to have become more addicted to that thing than ever! Otherwise, he's a very happy, curious, adventuresome little soul. My concerns are that if I let him keep it indefinitely (?), he might grow up needing external sources of comfort (alcohol? food binging? drugs?!) and not being in touch enough with his feelings/emotionally resourceful, so to speak. But maybe I'm over reacting! My other concern is that if I take it away from him now, it truly would be more of the scenario that my friend depicted, at this point! It seems it would be so cruel! Generally we make a point to give a pacifier to him (or let him take it for himself, I should say) when he seems to really want it; e.g. when he's really sleepy but fighting to stay awake ONLY because he's frantically looking for the binky (and then once it's in, he more or less passes out!); when he's crying and nothing else seems to be comforting him (we really try to limit these uses though) or when he just seems to want it and seeks it out for himself, for whatever reason. On some days he spends many chunks of the day without it, but has times when he really wants it. At bed time, it's a must, as is the case with most babies I believe. On other days, we'll notice it's in his mouth a lot. Nevertheless - considering that he SORT OF uses it himself, for self-soothing - as opposed to our shoving it in his mouth when it's convenient for us...would it be especially cruel to take it away from him? My instinct says TAKE IT AWAY NOW - before this gets worse (I've seen really bad cases with 2 year olds) - or before there are consequences years from now. But how, and could there be worse consequences for removing such a strong source of comfort for him (implying perhaps that he doesn't deserve to feel good, or that bad feelings will come as a result from having good feelings, etc.)?? Magda discusses the issue of pacifier vs. thumb-sucking in Dear Parent, but not the issue of removing the pacifier. Second problem: our lives were becoming too hectic, letting him be in charge of when he's going to bed/sleep and not, coming back into his room 4 or 5 times to soothe him when he'd cry after we put him down...sometimes eventually taking him to bed with us if nothing else was working. 4 or 5 days ago we started letting him cry it out. After setting the bed time atmosphere, one or both of us puts him down, explain that we love him and why we're doing this, then we come in again only in the first couple of minutes of his crying - only once - and then that's it...he cries until he falls asleep. The first night he cried for 40 terrible minutes. The next night, 5 minutes, the next night 5, the next night, 20, and tonight, about a half-hour or so, really hard. Same is going on at nap time, but he tends to cry harder and longer then. If I don't do this though, he simply won't sleep all day, except for maybe 15 minutes. Once he stops crying, he'll sleep for up to a couple of hours. So worth it! But IS it worth it?! Is it really okay to let our little guy cry - scream bloody murder, I should say - for such long periods of time? What is the message he's getting, and are there any permanent messages he might be getting from this? We're trying to be better about setting limits and giving him more predictability and structure within his days (and this is one of the ways of making this possible)...but is letting a baby cry for 40 + minutes being reasonable? Today when he cried for an hour and 10 minutes I finally came up to discover he'd dropped both binkies out of his crib. He was screaming that whole time and was staring down at them on the floor when I came in! He looked more scared than I'd ever seen him...he usually looks just mad/sad but he looked very overwhelmed and it just broke my heart! So there's your nice tie-in to the binky issue! Should we wait until he has the sleeping thing down better, before taking away the binky? Should we start by taking it away only at one time of the day/night? Should we wait until he's not addicted to the binky anymore, before letting him cry it out anymore? Is all or any of this bad timing with his showing some signs of separation anxiety? I so appreciate your taking the time to read all this and consider my questions! Dear Parent has been such an inspiration for both my husband and me...I'm always recommending it to my friends (loaning it and having to go buy another!), and constantly find myself re-reading sections of it when I feel the need for reminding. It is the BEST, most straight-forward and concise, sensible parenting book we own (out of our 5 staple parenting books!), and when I am feeling down in the parenting dumps, it never fails to re-motivate and inspire me! -Marya of Portland,OR